by *Miss Theresa*

It’s pretty hard to be a monster. It really is. It takes a lot of effort to be immoral, depraved and above all, inhuman.

Yes, it’s true. Bisexuals aren’t human. They really aren’t. Bisexual people are just cold- blooded, dead, sex machines. Bisexual men and women spend all of the time in a purgatory state roaming the earth looking for their next “trick”, their next sexual adventure. They are uncaring, unfeeling bags of dead, maggoty flesh, which makes it much harder to get dates than the warm-blooded straight people of Earth, but it still doesn’t decrease their quest for booty.

Bisexual people do not have checking accounts or jobs, as they wander the twilight seeking only indiscriminate sexual contact. Yes, bisexual people are horny zombies, but instead of brains, they crave carnal pleasure and one night stands with anyone they can get their cold, dead hands on.

This myth addresses the disbelief that an alternative lifestyle, sexual preference or identity like bisexuality can be a way of life. So fine, don’t think of bisexuality as anything more than a group of human beings that love other human beings. We are your neighbors, coworkers, baristas and your amusing and quirky Auntie Steve. We are pet owners and voters and care as much as anyone about that overdue copy of Kung Fu Panda on the coffee table that was supposed to go back to the video store on Saturday.

Believe it or not, bisexuals get married, have kids and mortgages. Bisexuals have real bigpeople jobs and don’t just spend their days lying around on filthy mattresses in crack hotels waiting for dusk so that they can prey upon the “good people” of the world. Bisexuals are tax payers and contributing members of society. And just as some straight people, some bisexuals are unemployed or seeking better jobs, but they also send their kids to summer camp and enjoy getting postcards from their friends.

Bisexuals drink good wine and eat fancy cheese, but also enjoy Oreos and laying around on the couch reading the newspaper on weekends. We wear regular clothes and not just raggedy remains of “easy-access” stripper clothes with ripaway pants. Bisexuals listen to music and go to movies- just like the rest of the world. We hate spiders and clean our bathrooms and take Pilates at the community college just like the straight people.

Bisexuals can be in shape, or big ol’ fattys. Bisexuals enjoy gardening and jogging and going for fast food a few times a week; our sexual preferences have nothing to do with any of the things that they do. Bisexuals even go to church and enjoy spiritual enlightenment. Bisexuals do not spend their existence preying upon the “normals” of the world and I would venture a guess to say that given a lineup of 5 John Q. Public’s and 5 John Q. Bisexuals, you probably would have trouble spotting which was which- we are THAT cleverly “disguised”.

The reality is most “good bisexuals” don’t even think about the term “bisexual” or being bisexual during their typical day, what with the everyday stress of life, jobs and money problems that everybody faces. The typical bisexual is as human as any human. We worry about getting old, finding love and paying taxes just like everyone else.

Bisexuals are flawed and beautiful, typical and unique. We are mommies and daddies. We are your sisters and brothers. We are aunts, uncles and cousins. We are not indiscriminate incorporeal beings that just want to get laid (no more than the “straights” of the world, anyways).

We are-
We are-
We are-

We are- just like everyone else. We just happen to be attracted to and can love, as well as make love to a person despite gender. Bisexuals are more than a stereotype and as plain or as dynamic as any other person. To be completely honest, and not to give away our mystical secrets, in the event of the apocalypse or zombie attack, we have the same chance for survival as anyone. We have no immunity or super powers that would give us any advantage. I mean, yeah, we might have a better chance to find a date amongst the survivors because we “fish from a larger dating pool”, but other than that, when the end is near, we are all equally screwed.